I was wondering how in the world one ever makes a huge, enormous decision that affects the innocent lives of others. I still don't have the best answer in the world, but it comes with lots of prayer and feeling in your gut what the right move is...then...and this is the hard part. Remembering that even if you make the wrong decision, God is not going to put you on his "strike with lightening" list. But actually still considers you His favorite. Imagine that??
Anyhow, I have struggled with this last part for quite sometime...i mean, why wouldn't God want me to adopt these babies?? My only answer is that He is bigger than i can see and cares more about them than we do. He has given us peace about the decision and dreams that are yet unfulfilled in our hearts. We can feel that adoption, at this time, is not right for us. Key word: Us. Mike and I have had lotos of conversations about us, our kids, our family, and our dreams. We have cried many tears over these babies, cherished them, and are so sad to have to say goodbye. I have felt grief over the decision, but through it, peace. I was reminded of the story in the Bible of when King David was grieving over the illness of he and Bathsheba's son. How he mourned! And when the child died, he picked himself up, cleaned himself off, and moved on. I am trying to cry most of my tears now and kiss them goodbye, but when they are finally gone, I am going to move on. I am not going to spend anymore time focusing on the past, but i am sooo looking forward to the future. I am proud of the work we have done in the lives of these babies, through prayer, through trust building, and giving them a solid foundation. I pray that as they move on, they carry those lessons with them, and always have an awareness of the Father who was theirs from day one and will "never leave them, nor forsake them."
Now, as for me....I am starting my life again.