Fruit of the Womb Archive

How do i put this?? For the past 15 years i have wanted to be a midwife. The first homebirth I attended in 1991 changed my life. My apprenticeship for the past two months, during this time of massive, mind-blowing changes in my family have served to help me realize a few things. In order to enjoy my life, travel, do the things i want, i cannot become a midwife. I need to utilize the things i have learned and stop putting my life on hold for a fulfillment of a dream that was not meant to be. I could write about the beautiful, empowering birth I stayed up at all night to witness two nights ago...but I am going to go a different direction. Entirely. My belief is that when things feel like a struggle, when you have too many pieces of the puzzle to make one thing work...maybe it is not meant to be. I have learned to trust God...that the "steps of a righteous man are ordered of God" Maybe my midwifery goal was my idea of how to get what i wanted. However, I trust God with my life. ...

So am tired and cranky today. After adding two kids to our family in the past three months, who wouldn't be?? I am still in limbo. I don't know if the kids are my kids or will officially be my kids anytime in the future. Collectively called, "the babies" we are glad they came, but do feel completely out of our league at times. I have a whole new respect for foster parents. Oh, yeah. I am one. But for people to go through this time and again...and again?? Crazy. We decided as a group that if the psychologists evaluated us instead of the kids within our care, they would deem us all completely nuts. Beyond nuts. Who invites kids in their homes who are not theirs, who are often drug exposed, who have night terrors and food issues, and cry and are angry at the world? Children who don't trust anyone, let alone you, and push every button you never knew you had?? Not just once, but several times. A day. An hour. Um, yeah. That is what i am going through right now. And oh,...

This weekend is Whole Earth Festival. Yeah! Its lots of fun to see the crazy hippies come out of the woodwork and sell their goods. I love the live music and drum circles, the handmade hemp clothing and babies being strapped to their moms. I love our midwife booth....the photos of powerful naked women birthing their babies in the absence of doctors. Tuesday i find out if i am going to be adopting two more children into our family. I may have to start from the beginning someday soon and share my experiences over the last few months, but for now, suffice to say, that it has been some of the hardest work i have ever done in my life. I feel so blessed and so exhausted and emotionally drained. Our 18 mo old, K asi , has rocked my world. I have found the food issues and attachment issues that push me to my limits, but where i end, the grace of God has truly only begun. The crying, the screaming, the power struggles, the lack of eye contact, the possessiveness, the prayers, the hitting, the l...

Oh I am on call, on call, on call. I am waiting to attend a birth, a birth, a birth. Many more i will wait for, many more months i will be on call, on call, on call